The Detour Project

Define your boundaries

We protect our homes and our cars and our personal possessions, but all too often we don’t put the same amount of care and effort into protecting our emotional health. Setting boundaries simply means caring enough about yourself to clearly communicate what you will tolerate and what you will not from other people and their behaviors. Setting boundaries is an important tool for empowering ourselves, and improving our lives and relationships.

Our lives are filled with all kinds of relationships – friends, significant others, acquaintances, co-workers and colleagues, classmates, and family members. Too often, we assume a lot about each other and about our relationships. We expect someone to know what makes us happy, or what irritates us, what is acceptable and what is not. We are setting ourselves up for disagreements and sometimes disasters by living this way. We must learn how to communicate our wants and needs, define what is acceptable behavior and what is not – AND learn to be open to, and respectful of, other people’s boundaries as well.

Without boundaries, we allow people into our lives and personal spaces who might be manipulative, dishonest or physically, emotionally or verbally abusive. These people constantly and consistently drain of us our time, energy, and self-esteem. There is a big difference between someone who occasionally frustrates or annoys you and someone who is seriously affecting your mental health and constantly bringing you down.

How often have you told a demanding, intimidating, manipulative person what they wanted to hear instead of speaking your mind out of fear of their reaction? I can tell you that I’ve done this more times than I care to count. I would then either keep it to myself and beat myself up over it or vent my frustrations and whine and complain about it to other people who had absolutely nothing to do with it. Living this way only adds stress and frustration to our lives and enables dysfunctional relationships.

Setting, defining and defending our boundaries helps us say what we mean, and mean what we say. This may be difficult and uncomfortable at first, but over time, we develop more confidence, gain more respect from others and our lives and relationships improve dramatically.

Examples of some of my personal boundaries are:

1. I will not tolerate dishonesty
2. I will not tolerate manipulation or passive aggressive behavior
3. I will not tolerate people who refuse to take responsibility for their own problems

These are just a few examples of course, but setting these boundaries has helped me to eliminate toxic or co-dependant relationships that I was holding onto for no good reason, and replace them with caring, meaningful, positive ones.

“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” – Jim Rohn

In the past, I sustained my fair share of unhealthy and toxic relationships with people who complained relentlessly about everything and used manipulation and passive-aggressive tactics to gain sympathy and attention. These relationships are emotionally exhausting and draining. Their behavior really irritated me and constantly brought me down, but I felt sorry for them and continued our relationship based on that sympathy and fear of conflict. I simply lacked the confidence to stand up for myself.

We learn as we grow up that being “selfish” is a bad thing, but the definition of “selfish” needs to be dissected a bit. When we don’t believe in ourselves, or care enough about ourselves we become dependent on approval and recognition from other people, and afraid of rejection and conflict. In therapy I was able to come to terms with, and address the sources of my own insecurities and low self-esteem. As I realized and accepted that my needs were important – and that I deserved meaningful, fulfilling relationships – I was able to start setting boundaries in my relationships, and communicating to others what I will and will not tolerate.

A healthy relationship is based on trust, respect, honesty, support, and equality. This applies to all relationships, not just romantic ones. If you find yourself always feeling resentful, walking on eggshells, compromising your own beliefs, constantly defending yourself or giving in to this person because you feel guilty or obligated – these are all signs that you may in a toxic relationship.

It’s important to realize and accept that you cannot change people. Everyone is on their own personal journey and responsible for themselves. They have the right to learn and grow, and they have the right not to. It’s up to you to decide who you want in your life and who you don’t.

Life is too short to tolerate relationships with people who constantly bring us down. We owe it to ourselves to find and surround ourselves with people who support, motivate and inspire us. The quality of your relationships is created by you, and supported by the boundaries that you define and defend. In the end, you will have better relationships, and gain more respect by defining who you are, what you will tolerate, what you will not, and enforcing those limits.

Next: Learn to listen

** this post is an excerpt from Building a Foundation for Happiness