The Detour Project

“If you don’t expect too much from me, you might not be let down.”

I met Becky for the first time in 10th grade in Creative Writing class. Becky was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen and I fell in love with her the moment I saw her. When the day came for us to share something we had written with the class, Becky read a poem that she’d written and I worked up the nerve to approach her.

I told her how much I liked her poem and I gave her a piece of paper that I’d re-written her poem on, and incorporated some artwork into and we started talking. I couldn’t believe she was actually talking to me! I would find out pretty quickly that she was already going out with someone though and I got pretty bummed.

By the end our of senior year, we had developed a really close friendship and were spending lots of time together. My feelings for Becky had only grown stronger, but I held all of that in. I was holding onto this hope that someday, she would feel the same as me and we would be together forever. I believed with all of my heart that Becky was my one true love, the only one for me.

My buddy’s parents had a cottage up north and he said we should go up there the weekend after graduation to celebrate. He said he was going to invite his girlfriend and that I should bring someone too. I asked Becky.

I thought this was it! This weekend was going to be the moment that I had waited for since the day we met and from that point on we would be in each others arms and everything would be OK.

Becky would have had to lie to her parents about where she was going that weekend and she decided that she just couldn’t do that.

I guess I figured that if she loved me, if she really cared about me, she would do whatever it took to go that weekend. So in my head, the conclusion was that she didn’t love me, and she didn’t care. We got into a pretty big argument and said some things to each other which neither one of us can exactly remember.

I knew now that Becky didn’t feel the same about me as I did about her. This was my first real and true and total heartbreak and I was devastated.

A few days later, I came home to find a note on my bed from Becky that would change my life forever: 

June 20, 1994.

Dennis,

Don’t expect others to take responsibility for your happiness. Don’t expect it. Just cherish the moments people do make you feel good. That’s all anyone can do. No one else can take responsibility for how you feel. It’s up to each person to do that for themselves. You have to to decide if you want to be ###### at the world and pity yourself or say #### IT!! Don’t let anyone control you by making you feel bad. Take all the good out of life. Nobody feels happy 100% of the time. No one is perfect. All anyone can do is relish in the happy things and learn from the bad.

I want to help you. I want you to feel good. But I can’t take responsibility for all that you feel. I can only look after myself. One line keeps running through my head… “if you don’t expect too much from me, you might not be let down…”

When I start to feel trapped in your rage and anger I want to runaway. I’m not going to do that. I don’t want to feel anger.

Remember when I said I could feel no more compassion? Well, I do now. Only I feel it so well that I feel trapped. I started to feel that way last year. That’s why I ran away from everything. But I’m so much stronger now. And I’m not going to runaway. I’m not going anywhere. I’m going to stay and fight. #### IT!! I’m ######! But I’m going to feel better. You mean too much to me to let go. Please don’t push me. I’m not sure how this letter makes you feel. But I needed to say all of these things to you.

I have to go with my mom now. And I WILL see you on Wednesday!!

Please don’t be angry with me, I do care Dennis.

Love Becky

(view the original hand written letter HERE)

I am happy to say that with time, my heart did heal and today (almost 20 years later), Becky remains one of my closest friends. We have been there for each other through many more ups and downs that were to come for both of us. Becky is happily married to an awesome guy named Hal, who I consider a great friend as well, and they have two beautiful girls.

It is painful to experience strong feelings for someone and not have those feelings returned. However, not feeling the same way you do is not something someone does with the intent to hurt you. I think it’s important to point that out because while my heart was broken that Becky didn’t feel the same way I did, she never did anything to purposely hurt me. In fact, quite the opposite was true. Her friendship and compassion saved my life many times through some pretty dark years.

Just because Becky and I weren’t meant to be together in a romantic sense doesn’t mean that we weren’t supposed to meet, and to be a part of each other’s lives. When something doesn’t work out the way we thought it was supposed to, it just means that there is something else in store, something equally important, something amazing and life changing. 

I was looking for someone to save me back then, someone to take all the pain and sadness away and make everything OK. But that’s not how it works. It’s not right to place that expectation on someone else. We are responsible for our own happiness, and Becky taught me that.

** a special thank you to Becky for her willingness to share our story, and for sitting down with me to revisit our past and help with this essay.

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