The Detour Project

“You are not your job”

Over the weekend a friend asked for some advice. He told me that he’d really been struggling with some things lately and was looking for some tips to lighten the load.

As I listened, I heard him acknowledge that he was having trouble setting boundaries and that he felt like he’d been living his life to make sure other people were happy and sacrificing his sense of self along the way.

He was struggling with a lot of guilt and worry that if he didn’t do all that others ask of him that they would be disappointed and upset with him.

He sounded pretty stressed out. He told me that things could not keep going the way they were going  and that he was ready to start making some changes.

After reflecting on what he told me, here some observations and tips that I suggested:

• People are at times going to be upset, disappointed, etc. with you anyway. It doesn’t matter. You can’t please everyone all the time and you can’t be everywhere all the time. You can’t accept every single social (or family related) invitation every time.
• You need to have time for yourself. To pursue what you are passionate about, to reflect on your life, to exercise and to relax. It is OK to say no sometimes. Reasonable people will accept this, and while they may be disappointed, they’ll get over it. If they don’t, this is probably someone who is taking more than they give (translation: someone you probably don’t need in your life.)

I have read many times that it takes somewhere around 30 days to form a new habit. So I suggested that my friend pick ONE thing to change. Something small and specific. We decided together based on what he told me that a great place to start would be to set (and protect) some boundaries with work.

Work is a major source of stress for my friend because it appears to consume his life. He checks and responds to work email from his iPhone and home computer, he responds to phone calls and texts from superiors and colleagues before, during and after business hours. It feels as if work is consuming him because it is.

I explained to my friend that the only thing you owe to your job is your best possible work, when you are paid to be working. They do not own you. They are not in control of your mornings, your evenings, your weekends and your holidays and unless there are exceptions (such as being on call) that are specifically mentioned somewhere in an employee manual or guide, or something of the like. You have the right and the responsibility to protect your personal space and time.

• I suggested that for the next 30 days, my friend should refrain from checking /answering calls, texts, emails, etc. from work when he is not “on the clock”. This will be a difficult challenge for him since he has been doing this for so long, brainwashed by the mindset of the “corporate world”.

When he is able to successfully accomplish this challenge, we can sit down again and come up with a plan for his next step!

Making positive change is not easy, and it’s uncomfortable. We are naturally afraid of change because what we know and how we’ve been living, thinking, etc. is comfortable, even if it’s unhealthy. Uncomfortable is good in this instance, because it means we are learning and growing.

The pitfall is trying to take on too many changes at once. Real, lasting change takes time. Deciding one day to reverse years of learned behavior all at once often doesn’t work. We might have a decent go at it for a couple weeks but often we resort back to what we’ve always known and done because we’ve overwhelmed ourselves by taking on too much at once.

Do you have any additional thoughts or suggestions for my friend? Please feel free to comment below!

Cheers,
- D