I’m Not Done Yet
by Paul Delaurier
I never know if I’m truly happy in the moment. That’s not as gloomy as it sounds but I will, and do feel that way at times. You hear about people who have a cavalier attitude toward their awesome life. “I’m firing on all cylinders today!” Or, “Woo hoo! I nailed that presentation, bro! What a day!”. Even on days where I feel particularly accomplished I would never have the hootspa to publicly announce my glee without cringing at my own proclamation. “I just properly kerned this line of type and it’s bringing much joy to my heart!” See, it sounds kind of silly.
I like to keep my small victories to a dull roar because I never feel like I’m done. For example, one might rejoice the fact that the dinner dishes are clean. Yay! Now the dishes have to be dried and put back into the cupboard. Boo. It’s a constant reminder that the next block to put on top of the other one is always there. To me, there is always work to be done. Because of this I have what doctors refer to as ‘Ants in the Pants’ and am rarely content.
Last year was quite a busy year, filled with valleys and peaks. In the span of 12 months my wife and I planned our wedding, moved twice, attended three weddings, attended three funerals, bought a German Shepard puppy, rented my former residence, took vacations, back aches, rain in our bedroom and lastly, I switched jobs and we started a new life in an unfamiliar city. Save for the three funerals, the back aches, and leaky roof I asked for all of it. I never thought it would happen in that short a timeframe but it’s what I wanted. By that level of activity you would think I felt accomplished.
I was talking to my dad two weeks ago and we were commiserating on his woes at work. He’s employed as an engineer for a large automobile manufacturer and they have made some uncomfortable personnel shifts within his department. The conversation slowly switched from his job to my new job. I gushed (albeit monotone) about my new job and heard my tone (barely) become emphatic when musing about the delightfully satisfying mountain of work that lay ahead of me. To my father I was indeed happy but to myself I had at that moment started to think about what I was to accomplish at work the next morning.
He shared his excitement for me then said, “So, how do you do it?”
This threw me. “What?” I asked.
“You’ve made all of these changes in your life over the last year and I’ve never seen you happier. So, what’s your secret?”
This is my dad asking me this question? He was my blueprint when it came to guidance and achieving what you want in life. For as long as I can remember he’s been telling me that I can do whatever I want in this world. “If you want to be a garbage man then you’ll be the best garbage man in the whole wide world”* I’m the one who asks for advice. He’s the teacher and I’m the student.
“Oh, I don’t know…” I wasn’t really prepared to answer the question. I hadn’t thought about it. There is no secret. All I could think to say was, “…well, I’m just doing what you’ve always told me to do.”
That thought and the activities of the past year sat with me for a long while and every now and again my mind would go back to that time. A year ago a lot of details went unnoticed. I was putting out fires left and right not really thinking about much other than what it takes to get us ‘there’. Wherever ‘there’ is. Hopefully there is no ‘there’ because my mind can’t handle that.
After a few weeks of reflection no earth-shattering discovery was made and that’s okay. Not every meditation produces epic results, sometimes clarity on something that was once cloudy can be reward enough.
I’ll not compose a flowery essay about life’s precious moments or tell you to stop and sniff the flowers on the way to work. Instead, have an appreciation for the journey. More times than not I’m only interested in the destination but It is important we not lose sight of the flowers while planning for the big picture. There is much to be grateful for and much can be missed if you’re not present. However, I still contest that I’m not done yet.
*No offense to the garbage men of the whole wide world.
Paul specializes in graphic design, web design, and pie. See some of his work at pauldelaurier.com or send him spam at pauldelaurier(at)mac.com
